Fowl Politics

Off with his head! The turkey, as many older public school graduates know, is uniquely indigenous to the New World and well-worth some consideration at this time of any year... but perhaps this year more than most. Turkeys have fan-shaped tails and wattled necks. They also have something called a "snood," a flap of skin that hangs from their beak. Hunting turkey has been a popular sport dating back to our earliest settlers. And although long-deemed foolish and easily confused, the turkey is known as a game bird of considerable cunning. The male turkey provides no parental care for his family and the female provides very little; both prefer, instead, to allow their young to run in "broods" (often numbering in the hundreds) along with the offspring of other negligent turkey-parents. Over time, domesticated varieties have lost their ability to breed (they must be artificially inseminated) and have lost much of their ability to forage for food or escape predators. They have devolved to be generally repulsive, foolish, untrustworthy, irresponsible, lazy and dependent. In short, they are Democrats. They deserve everything they get this week and beyond. And while we cut into their numbers every November, it's important to remember the rest of us will always be safer and happier when Democrats, like turkeys, are kept mostly in confined spaces behind adequate fencing where they can't hurt themselves or others. Especially this year, as we consider their potential to foment pandemic death, we should strive to keep their numbers low and never forget: when any contact is made with a turkey or a Democrat, it's always smart to wash your hands.... C-SPAN changed its name to C-SPANK Friday night as the American people (or at least those with nothing better to do on a Friday night) had a chance to watch a special live broadcast of democracy in action from the nation's capital. The plot? Weeks and months of slanderous accusations and irresponsible rhetoric from Democrat leaders (and the presstitutes who carry their water) reached critical mass last week when Congresscritter John Murtha (D-Mosul) called for the immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. To the surprise of everyone, some Republican had eaten enough Enzyte to stand up and say, "O.K. If you think we ought to cut and run... let's say we vote on it. Let's do it Friday night." And they did. The feathers flew and the snoods were shakin' through a couple of hours of sorry mini-speeches from Democrats trying to convince everyone that "we're loyal Americans" but "the President is a liar," "we support the troops" but "the war is a mistake" and yada, yada, yada. In a remarkable simulation of principled patriotism (and, hopefully, closure) from the entire roomful of assclowns, the final vote was 403-3 to stay the course in Iraq until the job is done. Does their vote on-the-record make a difference to a person who lies for a living and likes it? Probably not, but the vote was a great message to send to our troops, the Iraqi people and (maybe most important) our enemies in the Middle East.... Madonna sent us all a message this week while plugging her new album in an interview with ROLLING STONE. The 47-year-old former virgin, failed actress and now-resident-of-England-not-Detroit demonstrated her grasp of the issues (and sounded a lot like Howard Dean) in stating with some disappointment, "9/11 was just too ambiguous. You couldn't prove how the government was somehow in on the deal." She allowed as how she "was just friggin' devastated on election day" when George Bush was re-elected and that "I'm a lot of fun on morphine. At least I think I am." The '80's diva, publicity hound and Democrat said that those who criticize her or Tom Cruise for the bizarre beliefs or behavior they flaunt for profit and self-promotion should "shut the f--- up." She's right. We should never speak of her again. Pluck 'er!