You Can't Fool Me

Now, it seems he was neither "Home" nor "Alone" Michael Jackson's high-priced legal team put 90's incorrigible-but-cute kid Macaulay Culkin on the stand this week to testify that, despite sleeping together on any number of occasions, the boy Culkin was never buggered, boned, bopped or in any way boinked by the then-33-year-old King of Pop. Macaulay's testimony was revealing on several levels. First, it's obvious Michael's best legal defense is that the Gloved One didn't "check the oil" of EVERY boy he slept with at Neverland. Second, we now know that the 24-year-old Culkin doesn't want his flat-lined career unplugged by the admission that he was not only punked by a weirdo when he was ten... but that his folks kept sending him back for more. Let's face it, reporting on this trial must be like spending six months inside a Bob Evans sausage plant. Watching the process is enough to make you sick. But you also know that, regardless of the stink and the mess, there are always going to be people out there eager to gobble your product by the linear foot. Michael Jackson should be imprisoned for the things he's done to kids and for the threat he represents to others. But, at this point, I'd almost be satisfied if he would just move to France where he can do no more harm.... Religion of Peace Alert!!! According to the AP, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) is concerned that internet traffic and radio broadcasts are fueling an atmosphere of hate and increased discrimination aimed at Muslims in America. CAIR claims that "whenever there is a beheading or act of terrorism that involves Muslims" (have there been any other kind?), there is a relative rise in crime against Muslims in America. Essentially, CAIR says my Dell and Dad's Bose are responsible for Muslim hardship. Think about it. That's like blaming the fork because Rosie O'Donnell is fat. Muslim leaders would better serve their people by condemning-not-condoning murder, mopping their bloody mosques and learning how to live in the 21st century.... Happy 60th VE Day, Europe (but not you, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Poland, East Germany, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria and Yugoslavia). This week, head Soviet apologist Vladimir Putin put on his old KGB hat and claimed the Red Army was singularly responsible for the defeat of Hitler's Germany and the liberation of Europe in May of 1945. One can only imagine the appreciation and joy felt by 25,000 "liberated" Poles as they were slaughtered and buried in the Katyn Forest by Joe Stalin's army. President Bush, meanwhile, rightly reminded the rest of the world of something ten countries will never forget: At Yalta, Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill condemned millions of people to generations of communist bondage by cutting a cowardly deal with the treacherous Stalin. The lesson we should take from the Yalta blunder? Instead of fueling the ambitions of a mass murderer, we should have given George Patton more gas, more ammo... and a map to Moscow.