Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

The list of "jobs Americans won't do" is long and includes crucial sectors of our economy like construction, food service, agriculture and professional baseball. The demand for people to fill those jobs that slacker Americans supposedly won't do is the reason we're given for over 12 million illegal aliens, mostly from Mexico and points south, living here now (with millions more pouring through our unenforced borders every year). They come on foot, by boat, through tunnels and over the road, often stacked like cordwood in the trunks of beat-up, smoke-belching Buicks with bald tires. They are stealing social security numbers, driving without insurance on counterfeit credentials and they are slowing our nation's fast food drive-thrus to a crawl because they don't have any inclination to learn our language. The illegals are committing crimes every day they are here (some much more serious than identity theft). They've been getting increasingly strident about living "in the shadows," brazenly laying claim to undefined "rights" because they've successfully broken our laws without consequence for so long. Plus they're breeding like Britney Spears, putting enormous strain on our healthcare, education and welfare systems. It's an uncontested invasion that has led us to the brink of lost sovereignty, financial chaos and even more dire possibilities in a post-9/11 world. Some think we should forgive them their trespasses and let them stay. "Give them amnesty and make them citizens," say the politically-correct. But it's always a bad idea to condone crime and it's not fair to the good people who play by the rules; those standing in line to come to America the right way. Others think we should build a border wall and patrol it with troops to keep the bad critters out. Better, but costly. And not the best use of our military. Plus we already have stiff immigration laws on the books that our leaders and protectors have no stomach to enforce. Why should we believe that another law will be the first they would uphold? No. There's an obvious and better way.... The answer is not amnesty, it's annexation! The sad and simple truth in this important debate is that Mexico is a toilet. That's right: unos servicios! Over hundreds of years, they've never even mastered the concept of clean tap water. It's never been a nation of substance that could provide any real opportunity for its citizens or make any meaningful contribution to culture or civilization (with the notable exception of Salma Hayek). That's why the most motivated millions of them move north. Good Mexicans don't want to be Mexicans. They want to be Americans! Any thinking person can understand that. But there are a couple of things we have to get done in order to make that happen... First, we have to tweak that "Manifest Destiny" thing. Thirty minutes and a little paperwork and we've got the moral high ground. Then we'll need a couple thousand National Guardsmen (no reason for the six thousand George Bush has asked for) and a couple of bags of cash to spread around Mexico City on our way to build and protect a wall on the southern border at Guatemala and Belize. That's right. Forget the Rio Grande. Let's just move our border to the south end of Mexico! This can all be done by Independence Day. Think about it. We can bribe the Mexican army to roll over (saving lots of time and ammo) and the border wall will cost peanuts to build as it will only be a fraction of the length of a wall from Texas to California. Not to mention the fact that we won't have to import cheap labor to build it. And with public schools that don't educate, an economy with no jobs, plenty of landfill space, lots of offshore oil and already-corrupt officials at every level of government, Mexico is a natural as our newest state... But how will we fit another star on Old Glory? We won't have to. In fact, the annexation of Mexico will provide benefits that will be felt all across our country. We'll use it as an opportunity to dissolve Massachusetts and divvy up the land between Vermont and New Hampshire. With that one simple stroke of the pen we will not only preserve the design of our great flag, but we will eliminate two especially corrosive senators, making the union that much stronger and safer. But in the end, what does all this really do besides move Arkansas out of last place in virtually every possible ranking of the states? Just imagine the possibilities... Jose, can you see a southbound tsunami of gringo investors, lawyers, English teachers and opportunity? Thanks to The Supreme Court (and "Kelo v. New London"), we have The New York Times' blessing to go about the serious business of liberating/snatching land from owners who aren't using it like they should. With a long coastline on the Gulf of Ameri... I mean, Mexico, as well as on the Pacific Ocean, our newest state will be a developer's dream. In no time at all, our new underclass will have millions of beautiful new homes in gated communities to build and clean. World-class hotels with lots of bedding to change and meals to serve. Soccer stadiums will have to be converted for football. Magnificent casinos, plenty of high-end retail development and endless acres of beautiful lush golf courses... all providing jobs close to home for our newest Americans in their now-native state, Newer Mexico! In a scant few years, the Gulf will have hundreds, if not thousands of stately oil rigs sweeping in a graceful off-shore arc from Texas south to our new border with Belize. The jobs at Halliburton's Yucatan branch alone will feed millions as America becomes oil-independent. And as norteamericanos swarm south to correct centuries of neglect, our new citizens won't have to buy fake IDs or commute hundreds (or even thousands) of miles to work. They'll be able to walk in the sunlight, hold their noses as they vote for bad candidates, bitch about their taxes, look down upon the French and stand in line at the BMV. Just like real Americans.... Statesmen Wanted. Good pay and benefits. No experience preferred. The "jobs Americans won't do" apparently include some important ones in Washington D.C. (And I'm not talking about the Capitol Police allowing yet another drunk Kennedy to endanger the public with his car.) Among those are the jobs of over 60 US Senators who have chosen politics and pandering over their duty to lead and serve the interests of their constituents. They have conspired and compromised to put together over 700 pages of dreadful drivel they say will address the problem of illegal immigration and make us safer at the same time. The more we look at their work, the more it's obvious it will do neither. While the idea of annexing Mexico may be a little crazy, it's not as dangerous as the notion of continuing to ignore our borders during a terror war, as stupid as granting amnesty and citizenship to millions of lawbreakers or as expensive as forcing the rest of us to chin the costs of the special benefits and services the senators hope will buy them the voters-to-be they're courting from south of the border. The only case Bill Frist, Harry Reid and the rest of the "comprehensive immigration reform" crowd have made in this debate is the one for term limits.