The Not-So Funny Pages

That's Allah Folks! More than five months after they were first published in Denmark, a dozen or so not-all-that-artful editorial cartoons continue to inflame the sensibilities of the "religion of peace" around the world. By the tens of thousands (as if they ever show up any other way), Muslims are taking to the streets of Europe, Africa, Asia and the Middle East killing innocent people, burning embassies and demanding the respect for their faith they're unwilling to give to others. In the process, they're leaving little doubt about the not-so-happy ending they've written for their looniest of 'toons. They're intent on being Bluto in order to cow the Wimpy's of the world, take all the burgers and strap suicide bombs on Sweet Pea until every-Olive-Oyl-everywhere is wearing a burka. Meanwhile, Popeye lies in chains on the ocean floor, his spinach just out of reach... The End? Maybe not. Perhaps our European ancestors have had a bellyful of carbecues on their streets. Maybe they don't like being pushed around by rude cleric-cabbies and cleric-clerks. Or maybe they're having a five hundred year flashback and finally recognizing a real and recurring threat to their future: Muslim extremists don't assimilate into free societies. And the nutty haters are breeding little bombers like bunnies, to boot. At this point, the leaders of Europe are publicly clucking about the impropriety of hurtful cartoons in their newspapers. But at the same time, in typically disingenuous Euro-style, officials are quietly coming to grips with the repercussions of multi-culturalism, stupid guest-worker programs and lax immigration policies. They're starting to realize that there's no possibility for peaceful co-existence between secular Europe and Muslim fundamentalism because they have no common ground beyond bad hygiene. The Europeans love pork, wine, women, fast cars and freedom (even if they're not always willing to do the heavy-lifting for the latter). They love life, they appreciate the finer things and they celebrate creativity. Too many Muslims are simply killing time (and people) in this world so they can have their reward in the next. According to Lawrence Solomon of The National Post, Interior and Cultural Ministries of France, Germany and Denmark are now tightening laws and creating new ones that will permit mass deportations of wacky imans and their sinister followers. Sending them back to the sandbox is a good place to start. And it's a lot more than we're doing right now in America... You'll have to find another use for your New York Times if you're looking for the cartoons of you-know-who that raised all the stink. The same goes for most of the other politically-correct, agenda-driven and increasingly irrelevant national mainstream news outlets. That's right, the same papers and magazines that breathlessly brought you pictures and articles of "Piss Christ," the Blessed Virgin in feces and weeks of Lynndie England's "Guards Gone Wild at Abu Ghraib" thought its Muslim readership would be inflamed or hurt unnecessarily if they reproduced those cartoons of he-who-should-not-be-drawn. Was it respect-for-faith that drove the editorial decisions? That didn't seem to cut it for the Christian and Catholic faithful offended by the "art" exhibits-gone-by. Does the press really care about offending Muslims? Not really. Plenty of Muslims (and a bunch of others) were offended by the prison photos. That really leaves editors only two reasons not to publish the offensive cartoons. One: the Wimpy-press is afraid... very afraid... of medieval street justice. Or two: they must have had an even bigger story to cover than a global shooting war replete with religious-based terror, treason, genocidal intentions and increasingly credible threats of nuclear annhilation. You know, like the story of Dick Cheney's hunting accident... With a turn of the cheek unknown in the Muslim world, Harry Wittington, the 78-year-old-rich-white-Republican-Texan-lawyer-and-therefore-most-likely-evil friend of Vice President Dick Cheney met with the press and let the veep off the hook for shooting him while hunting last week. According to Mr. Wittington's account: "Stop callin' it an accident. We do this every year... hunt each other with live ammo, I mean. It's a whole lot of fun. Been doin' it since Dick was down here runnin' Haliburton. And, just for the record, it ain't a 'quail' hunt... it's a 'Quayle' hunt. Named it after that young fella who used to be George's Daddy's vice president. That boy left here with so much birdshot in him one year, he can't get though an airport today." Mr. Wittington went on to chide Mr. Cheney for "only nickin' me" and said that if he (Wittington) was five years younger and "could hold my whiskey like I used to, ol' Cheney would be pickin' BBs out of his butt for a month. Just wait'll next year." Mr. Wittington cheerfully sent his best regards to the Cheney family and thanked the doctors and nurses of the Corpus Christi Hospital for their "excellent care" and "for gettin' me outta here before the ACLU could file suit to have my IV's removed." Look for Newsweak and Time to demonstrate glacier-like agility (and bad news instincts) with next editions featuring incomplete details of the shooting. ABC is said to have a film account of Harry's life in production for sweeps week. FOX is planning a reality series, "Crazy Old Bastards with Guns."