Fowl Politics

Off with his head! The turkey, as many older public school graduates know, is uniquely indigenous to the New World and well-worth some consideration at this time of any year... but perhaps this year more than most. Turkeys have fan-shaped tails and wattled necks. They also have something called a "snood," a flap of skin that hangs from their beak. Hunting turkey has been a popular sport dating back to our earliest settlers. And although long-deemed foolish and easily confused, the turkey is known as a game bird of considerable cunning. The male turkey provides no parental care for his family and the female provides very little; both prefer, instead, to allow their young to run in "broods" (often numbering in the hundreds) along with the offspring of other negligent turkey-parents. Over time, domesticated varieties have lost their ability to breed (they must be artificially inseminated) and have lost much of their ability to forage for food or escape predators. They have devolved to be generally repulsive, foolish, untrustworthy, irresponsible, lazy and dependent. In short, they are Democrats. They deserve everything they get this week and beyond. And while we cut into their numbers every November, it's important to remember the rest of us will always be safer and happier when Democrats, like turkeys, are kept mostly in confined spaces behind adequate fencing where they can't hurt themselves or others. Especially this year, as we consider their potential to foment pandemic death, we should strive to keep their numbers low and never forget: when any contact is made with a turkey or a Democrat, it's always smart to wash your hands.... C-SPAN changed its name to C-SPANK Friday night as the American people (or at least those with nothing better to do on a Friday night) had a chance to watch a special live broadcast of democracy in action from the nation's capital. The plot? Weeks and months of slanderous accusations and irresponsible rhetoric from Democrat leaders (and the presstitutes who carry their water) reached critical mass last week when Congresscritter John Murtha (D-Mosul) called for the immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. To the surprise of everyone, some Republican had eaten enough Enzyte to stand up and say, "O.K. If you think we ought to cut and run... let's say we vote on it. Let's do it Friday night." And they did. The feathers flew and the snoods were shakin' through a couple of hours of sorry mini-speeches from Democrats trying to convince everyone that "we're loyal Americans" but "the President is a liar," "we support the troops" but "the war is a mistake" and yada, yada, yada. In a remarkable simulation of principled patriotism (and, hopefully, closure) from the entire roomful of assclowns, the final vote was 403-3 to stay the course in Iraq until the job is done. Does their vote on-the-record make a difference to a person who lies for a living and likes it? Probably not, but the vote was a great message to send to our troops, the Iraqi people and (maybe most important) our enemies in the Middle East.... Madonna sent us all a message this week while plugging her new album in an interview with ROLLING STONE. The 47-year-old former virgin, failed actress and now-resident-of-England-not-Detroit demonstrated her grasp of the issues (and sounded a lot like Howard Dean) in stating with some disappointment, "9/11 was just too ambiguous. You couldn't prove how the government was somehow in on the deal." She allowed as how she "was just friggin' devastated on election day" when George Bush was re-elected and that "I'm a lot of fun on morphine. At least I think I am." The '80's diva, publicity hound and Democrat said that those who criticize her or Tom Cruise for the bizarre beliefs or behavior they flaunt for profit and self-promotion should "shut the f--- up." She's right. We should never speak of her again. Pluck 'er!

Oh, non. Pas de nouveau!

L'Amérique nous sauvera! It's likely no other country would or could save them... and we probably shouldn't (given the gratitude we haven't seen in return)... but history shows that whenever the French are deep in the fryer, the American soldier pays the terrible price to buy them some freedom to take for granted for another generation or two. The American Battle Monument Commission was established by Congress after World War I to operate and maintain American military cemeteries and monuments in faraway places around the world. These cemeteries now serve as the foreign-soil resting place for 124,917 American fighting men and women who gave all they had to give liberating France and the rest of Europe twice. (Total U.S. military casualties for WWI and WWII exceed 500,000.) Of the 24 cemeteries maintained by the ABMC worldwide, 11 of them are in France and hold the remains of over 60,000 Americans who died on French battlefields. Those 11 cemeteries also serve as memorials to another 7,063 Americans who are listed as missing, buried in unmarked graves or whose remains could not be identified. There are an additional 26 non-American cemeteries in the Normandy region alone holding the remains of tens of thousands of British, Belgian, Polish and even German soldiers who died in the D-Day invasion. There is one French military cemetery among them. It is at a place called Ecouves (les Gateys) and holds the remains of the 19 French soldiers who died in the invasion to liberate their homeland.... Oh, merde! Ma voiture est sur le feu. That's right, Jacques. While you were sharing your cheese with Saddam and stonewalling the U.S. at the U.N., the "religion of peace" was invading your 'burbs and biding their time. And the other night, while you were watching the Jerry Lewis retrospective on A&E (instead of cleaning your Glock), they attacked. A bunch of angry muslim yoots torched the family Citroen (and thousands like it) and for close to three weeks now they've been lighting up the towns around France like Detroit on Devil's Night. Meanwhile, French authorities have been wringing their hands, clucking about inadequate welfare programs and trying to apprehend the Bic-flicking burka-babies so they would know who to appease. Seriously, what other choice does France have but to surrender at this point? Apparently, there were less than twenty brave men in the whole country... and all of them died in 1944....America is now 22% French/Democrat! According to a Rasmussen Reports survey conducted on Veterans Day 2005, 10% of Americans have "an unfavorable opinion of the United States military forces" and 12% are "undecided." What are the odds that 22% of the survey's respondents would come from Hollywood, the DNC and The Today Show? As stunning and unsettling as it is to think about that many stupid or sinister people in a population of nearly 300 million, Johnny Depp probably won't be moving home from France anytime soon. Fully 78% of the thinking-among-us surveyed by Rasmussen have a "favorable opinion" of our military and 48% of us "consider Veterans Day one of the nation's most important holidays".... Bad News for Bad News. As if reputational hits for shoddy and biased reporting were not bad enough problems for "The Bird Cage-Liner of Record," The New York Times will be cutting 45 newsroom jobs on the heels of the parent company's announcement that profits have dropped by more than half for the third quarter. And it's not just The Slimes taking a dive. The Philadelphia Inquirer just lost 15% of its editorial staff, The St. Louis Post-Dispatch lost 12%. The Boston Globe is dismantling its national staff. The Baltimore Sun has closed two of five foreign bureaus and is shrinking others. And Knight-Ridder's largest shareholder just called for the sale of the company. According to Howie Kurtz of The Washington ComPost, all media stock (print and electronic) "seems to be in a gradual decline-- jounalistically, financially and psychologically." What can we say but, "Schadenfreude." Look it up. It's German. I'm tired of the French.